**This will be a very personal post about me and my feelings. **
I came across this article on Facebook. I usually don't read most articles. I just quickly browse through Facebook. But this one caught my eye and I read it. This article fits almost exactly what I have been feeling lately. The article talks about "learning to live with the ache" of not having any more babies. As much as I would LOVE to have more babies, there are some major factors that I have to consider before having any more. My health is number one. My NF gets worse with every pregnancy and with every pregnancy there is a 50/50 chance of the baby inheriting it. Clark already has NF, and it has been so emotional for me to see him struggle the way I did when I was at his age. Second, I have some mental issues that I am working on and adding more children to the picture may not be the wisest at this time. I am learning my limits and working within those boundaries. There are other issues that we are considering as well, but I wont mention them here.
I have had some experiences lately that tells me I may be done having kids in this life. There have been a couple of times where I would be walking with all of my children at a park or somewhere, and the thought would come to me that our family is complete. I have been trying to come to grips that I may not ever be pregnant again, feel the baby kick, hold my newborn baby, and all the other sweet memories and experiences that come with a new baby. I was feeling very sad and upset because those are such happy times that I love. The thought came to me, that even though I may not ever have those experiences again, I WILL have NEW experiences that don't come until children are older like first day of kindergarten, ballet recitals, soccer, baptism, receiving the priesthood, YW recognition, receiving their endowment, missions calls, marrying in the temple and much much more. The happy experiences of being a mom doesn't end with the baby, they just begin! I can't wait to experience the new things that come as my children get older.
At the beginning of the school year, Brett gave a blessing to each of the children and me. In the blessing, I was told that many of my desires would be fulfilled in the world to come. The thought came to me then, that I will be able to raise many children after this life. I felt comforted and at peace when those words were spoken to me.
I try to stay positive and think that this is my last time buying diapers, potty training, waking up every two hours to feed them, even though, those times can be wonderful as well.
I believe the "ache" will always be there no matter how many kids I have. I shouldn't just keep on having more kids so I can avoid "the ache". I believe feeling "the ache" is part of the journey of being a mom. I am not going to let "the ache" override the joy of being a mom to three beautiful kids. I will cherish everyday and every stage that they are in.
I am so happy for the three beautiful children I do have. I feel very blessed.
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| Clark Cadence Caudle 1-18-07 |
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| Daisy Adalynn Caudle 10-09-08 |
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| Kaeley Karen Caudle 9-22-11 |
5 comments:
Dear Vivi,
You are so brave. This is not an easy decision, but what great insights you've been blessed with in knowing what is best for you and your family. The Lord will honor the righteous desires of your heart at the right time no matter what side of the veil those blessings may be fulfilled.
Good for you in recognizing that this is just the beginning. You and Brett have been blessed with choice, beautiful children and you are both such good, good parents. Dad and I were commenting after you left last night how much we admire the way you and Brett interact with your children and handle them so well. They are so blessed to have you for their mother, and to have Brett as their Dad.
We love you,
Mom and Dad
The title of your post caught my eye and I had to read. Thank you for this most personal of posts. It was so well-written, Viv, and expressed so many wonderful insights and thoughts. I especially liked how you said the ache may never leave...I do think that's something as women we feel even after knowing "we're done." I hope to talk to you more about this sometimes. I love you.
Thanks for sharing your perspective on this, Vivienne. I feel it, too. Love you!
Thank you for sharing your feelings so candidly. I've got 4 little ones so far and I can't really imagine feeling done. I love children, but with all the chaos they bring I fear sometimes that I'm getting myself in over my head. Your post gives me hope that when our family is complete, the Lord will make that clear to me and comfort me. Until that point I can go forth with the faith that He'll give me all the wisdom and strength and angelic help that I need to raise all the little blessings that come to my house.
I agree that the ache will happen at some point even if we try to avoid it for a while. I'm impressed with how you're handling this.
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